Monday, January 19, 2004
tomorrow will be a better day...
that is what i hope...but since yesterday...i felt like there's something wrong... and today it feels even worse...it's like something's missing...and i'm so confused...
woke up at 10 this morning...coz of meL's misscall... feeling so tired...i'm like a disabled person...can't move...can't do shit...stuck to the bed... but had to wake up anyway................ called meL to check wats up...and there's nuthing up...she just woke up early that's all... but im me...i slept so late....but woke up so early... i feel so lousy...
mingkY called after i hang up on meL...got to know that they weren't together anymore... you see... in half an hour time...anything can happen... life is just so unpredictable... and life is so sad... meL called again... and told me everything... she wuz crying... she wuz unhappy... but she wuz fine in the end... hope she'll be fine...
called beEe... his parents are pissed... and his mum hates me... saying that if im a proper gurl i'll know how to behave, instead of going home late and stayed in a guy's room... but hello?! i wuz sleepy and sick and i didnt have transport home??? beEe wuz suppose to get a car for his bday...but his dad wuz pissed...so bye bye car... and i guess im the cause of it... why is it me all the time? i feel so mean... im a bitch...
only then i remember something... i wuz not drunk last nite... but i wuz blur... like half asleep thru out the whole day... i can't remember what i did...who i saw...what i said... it's really freaky... i wonder how i've been behaving during the party... i mite seem to look fine... and act a lil hyper maybe... the truth is what happen? no idea... all i remember now is... i dream of something so weird...but seems so real... it's silly... but it also broke my heart... and i dono why i actually dream such a thing...
went for the leo project...went to the orphanage to pick the kids up... me n nikKi were the parents of a f3 kid... i wuz too tired to bother about that kid... i wuz too pissed and upset to care about anything else... i wuz so tired and confused............... made my own kite...but i didnt have the mood to fly it... all i did wuz to pretend to play along when siP cHen fly the kite that i made... so tired i wanna die...
went back to skool at 6... dicKsoN gave us a lift to ss15 darussalam...had dinner there... and there it all started... me n meL had a good gurl talk after so long... i really miss this kinda talk... its so meaningfull... and it also made me think a lot... maybe it's just time for me to grow up and take things seriously... i can't play around forever... what she said wuz so true... but what shud i do now? i'm just so confused... follow my heart maybe, but i dont even know where my heart went to... im so tired... i dont know what to do...
came home at 10...had a quick clean shower... and now i'm still thinking... i'm feeling like how i felt last time... the feeling... THAT feeling... but the only difference is just im not single now... that's all... and there goes a nother thing to think about... i'm just so phucking confused... what am i suppose to do? at times like this when im on my own...i just have to grow up... no one can help me now... and whatever decision i make, i'll have to be responsible for it... i must be sure with what im gonna do... but im afraid that i will regret... and at times like that...whenever you think back about the past... you'll miss it so much... now i feel like breaking down and cry................ i've said too much... i guess one day i'll just break down and die........
wanted to skip skool again tmr...but mum didn't allow... will be having cheer practice after skool tmr... freaking tired!!! dude!!! will be goin for a drink with nicK tmr too i guess... hmmm...
and owh...guess who just called??? nicK... yeapsss... he's frenly... and he's interested in niKki i guess...and vise versa... as usual... nth much...
phuck it all... im sick... im tired... good bye...
...only the one who knows me well understands how i feel right now...
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